May 20 - May 26: Losing another one

SIDE EFFECTS FOR THESE DAYS: left groin pain (pain rating 5); lower back pain (4); side pain (2); variable headaches (2-7); swollen uterus; very tired; lack of focus; increased hot flashes/night sweats; problems with sleep.

My body wasn't too happy with going back on Lo Estrin yet, so I stopped it. My uterus began to swell (or my ovaries) like a tight ball. After a couple of days, it subsided after quitting Lo-Estrin. The headaches are no longer a daily occurrence, but I am not past them either; I got saddled with another migraine on Saturday night. Energy levels are better, but I still require 12 hours of sleep. Yet, each day I am finding I am able to do more things, even if I require significant rest after doing them.

I have spoken a little that I lost my mom many years ago. It was to leukemia. At the time, we had no clues as to why and were only left with the daunting task of surviving the grief once she was gone. Many of the questions were left unresolved until a few years ago. Her first cousin (ML) was diagnosed with the same form of leukemia. They were very close in age, were brought up as siblings a couple of doors down from one another for several years.

What we learned by the second diagnosis was that it was environmental. My mom and her cousin were exposed to something in their neighborhood that left their mitochondria irreversibly altered.

We also learned that, though ML fought the disease 20 years later with newer and better drugs/techniques, nothing could be done for either of them. ML died Friday night, surviving leukemia for a shorter period than my Mom.

There are many points to be made here. As related to those that struggle with reproductive illnesses, we increasingly point the finger at Dioxin, a pesticide linked to all kinds of illnesses (reproductive and otherwise). Companies profit from this chemical at the expense of our health. Draw your own lessons from that one.

Strangely, I feel some resolution with my mom's death. As I explained to my younger sister who was too young to remember the entire odyssey with my mom's illness, against the odds, lack of contemporary medicine and studies, she lasted four years. ML lasted far fewer. With this type of leukemia, there was little that could be done for either of them.

As I think of both of these women, I consider their indelible mark on me. My mom's link is obvious. I am part of her. She raised me as best she could.

ML had an artist's heart and I have her to thank for exposing me to the arts. She had studied ballet and her love for the arts never died. When her artistic aspirations didn't work out, she volunteered for the ballet in her city for 20+ years. She didn't live close to where we grew up, but we visited. Each visit was full of the arts. I'll never forget the time she got me access to the stage before a show and I stood there under the lights looking out into an empty house. It's a memory that comes back to me each time I step out onto the stage. And I feel them both there: my mom who never knew the career I would have and her cousin that lit the spark.