May 3: Test

SIDE EFFECTS FOR THIS DAY: headaches (pain rating 1); left groin pain (pain rating 4); pain on sides (2); lower back pain (6); leg pain (5); lower ab muscles weak; hot flashes/night sweats; problems with sleep; hoarseness.

Today was a big test: could I walk 1/2 miles to a bus stop; could I drive myself to an airport 2 1/2 hours away; could I drag all my luggage by myself.

Yes.

I am so lucky today ended up being okay, despite feeling really horrible last night and not sleeping well. Normally, this travel schedule would have been no big deal. I've done this a million times and many more rigorous schedules. However, pre-Lupron days are not my present Lupron reality. It took a lot of concentration to drive so far. It took a lot of strength to hoist relatively light bags onto buses, shuttles and luggage compartments above my head (I'm 5'4").

All that being said, today I was functional.

I didn't have the headaches. I did have a lot of groin, leg and back pain, which made it challenging to walk... or at least not walk like a complete gimp. I swear it look like I have a peg leg (not there's anything wrong with it).

And how old am I???

35 going on 99.

May 2: Eyes bigger than my stomach

SIDE EFFECTS FOR THIS DAY: headaches (pain rating 2 ramping now to 6); left groin pain (pain rating 4); pain on sides (6); lower back pain (6); lower ab muscles weak; hot flashes/night sweats; weakness and extremely tired; reduced mobility; problems with sleep; hoarseness; lack of focus.

So I bit off more than I could chew tonight. I often cantor Shabbat services (Reform and Conservative). I never think of it as a performance because that's not what it is. I'm giving voice to a congregation as we collect our prayers, our Psalms in song and then send them upward. Music is what takes our words to the next level... the emotional, the spiritual.

I've missed being able to cantor as much this season, especially at the shul around the corner from me. The group is a bit irreverent, a lot of fun and we regard each other with open arms and family.

But I wanted to do Yom HaShoah (Holocaust Day of Remembrance) and it happened to fall on Shabbat, which makes it very special. The music is not hard and I even asked for a mike, which normally I would never do. But I stood for such a long time. The longer I stood, the weaker I felt. My head started to pound. I began to be hoarse. Hot flashes, etc. This week, we didn't have accompaniment for the normal Shabbat tunes, only for the special music for Yom HaShoah. I was feeling very naked and so ill.

But the congregation got me through it with their genuine love and support. They were so happy to see me. Though I am lying here in bed now feeling like I was runover by a truck, I know in my heart that no one scrutinizes me there. We are there because the union of music and spirituality brings us together. In fact, it reminds us that there are so many things larger than ourselves.

May 1: What now?

SIDE EFFECTS FOR THIS DAY: headaches (pain rating 2); left groin pain (pain rating 4); pain on sides (2); lower back pain (3); lower ab muscles weak; hot flashes/night sweats; weakness and extremely tired; reduced mobility; problems with sleep; lack of focus.

I noticed looking at last month around two weeks after the first shot there was a reprieve and I am wondering if I am in the same cycle. Today was pretty decent comparatively. Just wondering if the bad stuff will come back.

What I do know, though I thought it was diminishing, the groin pain has not gone. That was the whole reason I did this shot... as a diagnostic. I was told by a surgeon in Miami that I would have my answer after the flare. If the groin pain was because of the endometriosis that I have, the Lupron would make it go away. If it didn't, there is something else causing the problem.

My OBGYN thought it could be adenomyosis on top of the endometriosis.

Where do I go from here?

April 30: Yes and No

SIDE EFFECTS FOR THIS DAY: headaches (pain rating 2); left groin pain (pain rating 6); pain on sides (2); lower back pain (3); lower ab muscles weak; hot flashes/night sweats; weakness and extremely tired; reduced mobility; blurred vision; lack of focus.

Today is not bad but the groin pain is still there, as is this bizarre ovulatory pain. I don't have much energy or focus, but I still perceive things as better than they had been in recent days. Though I still say I am worse off than before I started this drug.

Must sleep.

April 29: Don't know what you got 'till it's gone

SIDE EFFECTS FOR THIS DAY: headaches (pain rating 2); left groin pain (pain rating 8); pain on sides (2); lower back pain (3); lower ab muscles weak; hot flashes/night sweats; weakness and extremely tired; reduced mobility; blurred vision; lack of focus.

I was so tired today. Last night I had some of the sharpest groin pains I have had in a long time. Not quite sure why that would be happening and I am still getting the sense that I am having ovulatory pain. That puzzles me because I thought by now that would be impossible. Am I not in menopause yet? Isn't my ovulation completely suppressed?

So many facets of this drug regimen I just don't understand. Other than the weakness and being very, very tired, today was not that bad. So I've had a few decent days strung together. Interestingly, I feel as though one doesn't truly know one's gifts until you've had them taken away. So when I have a decent day (which is still worse than the pre-Lupron days) I feel like celebrating! Woo-hoo!

Originally I was supposed to be out of town today but I've rescheduled travel for the weekend. I hope I am feeling up to it!

April 28: The Wisdom to Know the Difference

SIDE EFFECTS FOR THIS DAY: headaches (pain rating 2); left groin pain (pain rating 4); pain on sides (4); lower back pain (4); lower ab muscles weak; hot flashes/night sweats; weakness and tiredness; reduced mobility; blurred vision; lack of focus.

Today was not too bad in terms of pain though each day is a little like the other shoe dropping. Except what dropped today was my voice... about a third. Damn, I wish I could have sung today! (only other singers will recognize the importance of this, especially given what I sang yesterday)

In any case, I am grateful that I wasn't curled up and comatose yesterday. I think I forgot to mention how I couldn't remember names last night. A fourteen-year volunteer came up to me and I could not remember his name. Nor the underwriter for last night's concert. Ugh.

I was sad today, but it was more because of personal reasons than the drug. I don't know how often one is supposed to extend second chances, but I guess when they reach the double digits, that's probably plenty.

Tonight was to be a regional premiere that I had to postpone. I'm okay with it now... disappointed but okay. My next engagement is in about three weeks... another regional premiere. I'll try not to stress; as long as I am standing it shouldn't be too difficult in terms of where it lies in my voice. I have a lot of highly focused homework to do. That's where I am lacking.

I'm reminded of these words:

God, grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change; courage to change the things I can; and wisdom to know the difference.

April 27: I had a good day

SIDE EFFECTS FOR THIS DAY: headaches (pain rating 3); left groin pain (pain rating 7); pain on sides (4); lower back pain (4); lower ab muscles weak; hot flashes/night sweats; weakness and tiredness; reduced mobility.

Just wanted to post this quickly and will fill in the rest later... the performance was fine. No headaches. Of course, I'm still having problems with the supported breath from the lower abs, but I was fine. I lost myself in the music. Isn't that the point?


Later....
From morning until about 6pm, I had a very good day. Perfect, since I sang early in the day. By 6pm, things started creeping in... headaches, blurred vision, intense groin pain and then pain that feel ovulatory (how is that possible since I am supposed to be in menopause?) I'm so thankul I made it through the really important part of the day. Now I can sleep.