SIDE EFFECTS FOR THIS DAY: headaches (pain rating 8); left groin pain (pain rating 3); pain on sides (4); lower back pain (6); lower ab muscles weak; hot flashes/night sweats; weakness and tiredness; reduced mobility; vivid dreams.
So maybe I should gone with the Danazol, as I am currently sitting here on a strong barbiturate buzz watching the NFL draft. I've always been a sports fanatic though I am a huge klutz. I'm a rabid ACC basketball fan, Braves fan and a NFL junkie. Watching the commercials and camera takes of these well-sculpted athletes just makes me want to go outside and pretend I could be a pro-bowl running back. (That's the Fioricet talking).
I'm coming out of my mood/funk. As usual, it lasted about ~three days, but I think the estrogen loss is making is more severe. Yesterday was awful... sad, despondent, inconsolable.
I think the groin pain is lessening... I think. The other night was bad but for the most part, I perceive that it is less. But at what cost? My voice? The rest of my body? My financial security (guess what - artists that don't work, don't get paid). I'm not even as functional as I was with just endometriosis, so is this really worth it? I've been out of the house twice in the last week.
Headaches today started from the moment I opened my eyes. I waited awhile to see if it would go away. No luck. Thus, the Fioricet, which is very effective. Just not very functional while on it.
That's it for right now. Hoping for the best for the performance tomorrow.
Saturday, April 26, 2008
April 25: Tired
SIDE EFFECTS FOR THIS DAY: headaches (pain rating 1); left groin pain (pain rating 5); pain on sides (4); lower back pain (6); lower ab muscles weak; hot flashes/night sweats; weakness and tiredness; reduced mobility; white noise in ears.
Just tired, down and sad today. That's all I have the energy to say right now.
Just tired, down and sad today. That's all I have the energy to say right now.
Thursday, April 24, 2008
April 24: The Door
SIDE EFFECTS FOR THIS DAY: headaches (pain rating 2); left groin pain (pain rating 3); pain on sides (4); lower back pain (4); lower ab muscles weak; aching shins; hot flashes/night sweats; needle-like feeling in legs, face; weakness and tiredness; reduced mobility; white noise in ears; apathy.
Love the new pain in my shins. Wow! That was no fun.
I feel as though I am saying good bye to an old friend or maybe a couple of old friends.
1) My voice.
Once my constant companion, my passion, my raison d'être, I feel as though I am saying a very prolonged and painful good-bye... not too unlike saying farewell to my mom when she suffered with a terminal illness. I watched her slip away, struggle and then leave abruptly when we least expected. I've felt this day coming for two years... slipping away, me trying to recapture it again and now finding it's leaving on its own terms and schedule, not mine. Nor do I have the same spark about performing that I once had or the unbearable need to do so. I feel resignation.
2) Me.
I can think back to what I once was in the not so distant past... runner, cyclist, e-brainchild, musical prodigy. And now I see how things are this second. Me... lying on a couch most days. Me... barely able to walk into the kitchen. Me... forgetting everything. Who IS this person and what did you do with the other girl?
I'm so tired of things not working out, whether it's my health, my personal relationships, the people I trusted, my career.
I'm trying to find the door to open to get beyond this. I know it is there somewhere. I hope for something better on the other side.
Love the new pain in my shins. Wow! That was no fun.
I feel as though I am saying good bye to an old friend or maybe a couple of old friends.
1) My voice.
Once my constant companion, my passion, my raison d'être, I feel as though I am saying a very prolonged and painful good-bye... not too unlike saying farewell to my mom when she suffered with a terminal illness. I watched her slip away, struggle and then leave abruptly when we least expected. I've felt this day coming for two years... slipping away, me trying to recapture it again and now finding it's leaving on its own terms and schedule, not mine. Nor do I have the same spark about performing that I once had or the unbearable need to do so. I feel resignation.
2) Me.
I can think back to what I once was in the not so distant past... runner, cyclist, e-brainchild, musical prodigy. And now I see how things are this second. Me... lying on a couch most days. Me... barely able to walk into the kitchen. Me... forgetting everything. Who IS this person and what did you do with the other girl?
I'm so tired of things not working out, whether it's my health, my personal relationships, the people I trusted, my career.
I'm trying to find the door to open to get beyond this. I know it is there somewhere. I hope for something better on the other side.
April 23: Trying to Move Forward
SIDE EFFECTS FOR THIS DAY: headaches (pain rating 4); left groin pain (pain rating 3); pain on sides (4); lower back pain (4); lower ab muscles weak; hot flashes/night sweats; needle-like feeling in legs, face; extreme weakness and tiredness; white noise in ears.
I was tired all day today. I woke up early and then fell asleep later in the day for a few hours, but nothing diminished how tired and weak I feel. I believe that I read on someone else's blog that lack of estrogen causes the tiredness. Really? Do our hormones really have that much control of us?
I've always firmly believed that an important part of life was bettering ourselves through self-analysis and fixing what's broken. Otherwise, the same problems present themselves over and over again in our lives.
I hate feeling stagnant, in any regard. I want to move forward. I want to solve this and the other issues that I feel need to be solved so I can move on to the next challenge. If we don't move forward, what is life? What's the purpose? Just sitting in front of the TV and punching the time clock at work? I won't accept the status quo or that there is no answer to this condition or that there is no answer to everything else going on. There is always an answer. We just might not like it. But that's the point. Learn your lesson and move on.
Easy to say but hard to do when you are stuck in bed...
I was tired all day today. I woke up early and then fell asleep later in the day for a few hours, but nothing diminished how tired and weak I feel. I believe that I read on someone else's blog that lack of estrogen causes the tiredness. Really? Do our hormones really have that much control of us?
I've always firmly believed that an important part of life was bettering ourselves through self-analysis and fixing what's broken. Otherwise, the same problems present themselves over and over again in our lives.
I hate feeling stagnant, in any regard. I want to move forward. I want to solve this and the other issues that I feel need to be solved so I can move on to the next challenge. If we don't move forward, what is life? What's the purpose? Just sitting in front of the TV and punching the time clock at work? I won't accept the status quo or that there is no answer to this condition or that there is no answer to everything else going on. There is always an answer. We just might not like it. But that's the point. Learn your lesson and move on.
Easy to say but hard to do when you are stuck in bed...
Tuesday, April 22, 2008
April 22: Living
SIDE EFFECTS FOR THIS DAY: headaches (pain rating 7); left groin pain (pain rating 3); pain on sides (7); lower back pain (7); lower ab muscles weak; hot flashes/night sweats; needle-like feeling in legs; weak; white noise in ears.
Today started out as no headache and then by 5pm it took over. Earlier in the day, I was having problems with mobility from the aches in my body. And when I taught piano, I was hoarse and without energy. Then the migraines started. So I took some Fioricet and though I am on that barbiturate buzz, I'm still sitting up sans headache.
Today has been odd. I've been trying to work and practice, but was derailed by uncovering some disturbing news. I won't go into it here, but this is life. And how does one still deal with the normal bumps in the road when the status quo is a pot hole. When I have the answer, I will let you know.
I have a HUGE performance this weekend. I'm praying for clarity and health. It's out of my hands and I recognize that too. As we say in German, was kann man tun?
Today started out as no headache and then by 5pm it took over. Earlier in the day, I was having problems with mobility from the aches in my body. And when I taught piano, I was hoarse and without energy. Then the migraines started. So I took some Fioricet and though I am on that barbiturate buzz, I'm still sitting up sans headache.
Today has been odd. I've been trying to work and practice, but was derailed by uncovering some disturbing news. I won't go into it here, but this is life. And how does one still deal with the normal bumps in the road when the status quo is a pot hole. When I have the answer, I will let you know.
I have a HUGE performance this weekend. I'm praying for clarity and health. It's out of my hands and I recognize that too. As we say in German, was kann man tun?
Monday, April 21, 2008
March 21: Okey-dokey
SIDE EFFECTS FOR THIS DAY: headaches (pain rating 1); left groin pain (pain rating 1); pain on sides (7); lower back pain (7); lower ab muscles weak; hot flashes/night sweats; needle-like feeling in legs; better energy during the day but exhausted by night.
Today was not too bad in terms of energy level. The headaches were at a minimum, but the pain in my lower back and sides was much worse. Oddly, because my energy was so much better, it wasn't as troubling to me. I still managed to get a lot done though I am tiring sooner. I would have to say this is a step in the right direction. I'm hoping it holds through the weekend.
I am noticing the hot flashes during the day are much more frequent, several times an hour. It still doesn't bother me perhaps because I've always had a low temperature. This is the first time I can remember not being constantly cold.
I am drifting though so I should head to bed. Funny that I used to stay up until 3a or 4a. That's not yet returned.
Today was not too bad in terms of energy level. The headaches were at a minimum, but the pain in my lower back and sides was much worse. Oddly, because my energy was so much better, it wasn't as troubling to me. I still managed to get a lot done though I am tiring sooner. I would have to say this is a step in the right direction. I'm hoping it holds through the weekend.
I am noticing the hot flashes during the day are much more frequent, several times an hour. It still doesn't bother me perhaps because I've always had a low temperature. This is the first time I can remember not being constantly cold.
I am drifting though so I should head to bed. Funny that I used to stay up until 3a or 4a. That's not yet returned.
April 20: Treading Water
SIDE EFFECTS FOR THIS DAY: headaches (pain rating 5); left groin pain (pain rating 3); pain on sides (5); lower back pain (6); lower ab muscles weak; white noise in ears; mental confusion; hot flashes/night sweats; needle-like feeling in legs; exhausted.
I am ridiculously behind on a number of projects, even with canceling next Monday's concert. With so few hours where I can focus (meaning not dealing with side effects from one drug or another), I get so little done. Which brings up a point for women with families and/or jobs that do not allow telecommuting: just how does one get through this and be functional?
The lower back pain was more present today... a stabbing pain on the right side. It was fleeting but came back often. It's the kind of pain that startles you and makes you catch your breath.
I'm also worried about (just as some of you that have written me) the estrogen surge on the other end of this treatment. Does that happen to everyone if our bodies aren't ready to go into menopause (which would mean nearly all of us)?
To echo a brave gal that wrote me lately, there has to be a better way.
I am ridiculously behind on a number of projects, even with canceling next Monday's concert. With so few hours where I can focus (meaning not dealing with side effects from one drug or another), I get so little done. Which brings up a point for women with families and/or jobs that do not allow telecommuting: just how does one get through this and be functional?
The lower back pain was more present today... a stabbing pain on the right side. It was fleeting but came back often. It's the kind of pain that startles you and makes you catch your breath.
I'm also worried about (just as some of you that have written me) the estrogen surge on the other end of this treatment. Does that happen to everyone if our bodies aren't ready to go into menopause (which would mean nearly all of us)?
To echo a brave gal that wrote me lately, there has to be a better way.
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)