April 29: Don't know what you got 'till it's gone

SIDE EFFECTS FOR THIS DAY: headaches (pain rating 2); left groin pain (pain rating 8); pain on sides (2); lower back pain (3); lower ab muscles weak; hot flashes/night sweats; weakness and extremely tired; reduced mobility; blurred vision; lack of focus.

I was so tired today. Last night I had some of the sharpest groin pains I have had in a long time. Not quite sure why that would be happening and I am still getting the sense that I am having ovulatory pain. That puzzles me because I thought by now that would be impossible. Am I not in menopause yet? Isn't my ovulation completely suppressed?

So many facets of this drug regimen I just don't understand. Other than the weakness and being very, very tired, today was not that bad. So I've had a few decent days strung together. Interestingly, I feel as though one doesn't truly know one's gifts until you've had them taken away. So when I have a decent day (which is still worse than the pre-Lupron days) I feel like celebrating! Woo-hoo!

Originally I was supposed to be out of town today but I've rescheduled travel for the weekend. I hope I am feeling up to it!

April 28: The Wisdom to Know the Difference

SIDE EFFECTS FOR THIS DAY: headaches (pain rating 2); left groin pain (pain rating 4); pain on sides (4); lower back pain (4); lower ab muscles weak; hot flashes/night sweats; weakness and tiredness; reduced mobility; blurred vision; lack of focus.

Today was not too bad in terms of pain though each day is a little like the other shoe dropping. Except what dropped today was my voice... about a third. Damn, I wish I could have sung today! (only other singers will recognize the importance of this, especially given what I sang yesterday)

In any case, I am grateful that I wasn't curled up and comatose yesterday. I think I forgot to mention how I couldn't remember names last night. A fourteen-year volunteer came up to me and I could not remember his name. Nor the underwriter for last night's concert. Ugh.

I was sad today, but it was more because of personal reasons than the drug. I don't know how often one is supposed to extend second chances, but I guess when they reach the double digits, that's probably plenty.

Tonight was to be a regional premiere that I had to postpone. I'm okay with it now... disappointed but okay. My next engagement is in about three weeks... another regional premiere. I'll try not to stress; as long as I am standing it shouldn't be too difficult in terms of where it lies in my voice. I have a lot of highly focused homework to do. That's where I am lacking.

I'm reminded of these words:

God, grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change; courage to change the things I can; and wisdom to know the difference.

April 25: Tired

SIDE EFFECTS FOR THIS DAY: headaches (pain rating 1); left groin pain (pain rating 5); pain on sides (4); lower back pain (6); lower ab muscles weak; hot flashes/night sweats; weakness and tiredness; reduced mobility; white noise in ears.

Just tired, down and sad today. That's all I have the energy to say right now.

April 19: Weak

SIDE EFFECTS FOR THIS DAY: headaches (pain rating 5); left groin pain (pain rating 3); pain on sides (5); general lower back pain (3); lower ab muscles weak; white noise in ears; chest pain (5); mental confusion; hot flashes/night sweats; needle-like feeling in legs; exhausted.

Today was spent the road with my spouse driving. I was wobbly at the wedding and had problems walking, with balance. I might opt for a liver function test. Though I am not jaundiced, I understand that muscle weakness can be a manisfestation of poor liver function, much like what is seen as intolerance to statin drugs.

The Fioricet is definitely helping the headaches, but I still cannot take it unless I nap soon. So it is more like me just trying to survive the headaches for most of the day and then take the Fioricet later. At least I know something works and don't have to feel like a hostage.