April 6: Sanctuary

SIDE EFFECTS FOR THIS DAY: headaches (pain rating 1 ramping to 5); left groin pain (pain rating 4); pain on left side (2); left knee pain (pain rating 1); left leg pain (pain rating 1); general lower back pain (2); fatigue; low mood; heart palpitations/racing; chest pain; pain in lungs; lower ab muscles weak; white noise in ears; prickly pain; red, itchy rash on left arm; hot flashes/night sweats.

Today started out not to be quite so bad. And thankfully, I am getting the sense that I might be on the other side of the flare. Since Friday, things have not been too bad and it's the closest to normal I've been since taking the shot. As the day has worn on, some things have ramped up like the headaches. Like I've said before, once you experience a certain kind of pain, you grow more used to it. Not that it doesn't hurt all the same, but there is a benefit to dealing with an adversary you know.

Something new today is this red rash. It's like I'm allergic to something, but I haven't been out of the house in quite some time so I know that isn't it. It's not as though I've been pulling weeds outside. It's causing welts and it itches like poison oak.

I relish solitude; when I have had it, it's helped trying to get through all of this. Though I find myself in the performing arts, at heart I am very shy and quiet. When a major part of your life is performing or having to be in public, the last thing you want to do is bring that chaos and invasion into your private life. You have to get away from all of that. When I have quiet, I can wish all the pain away. I can close my eyes and see a silent, dark place devoid of stimulus. There are no annoying queries to answer, no one to entertain, no one to interrupt my work, my focus, or my practice. I can peel off the layers of stress like clothes. I'm in my zone and my element. This is my perfect sanctuary.

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Later (about midnight)

My head is screaming again. Nice. More often than not, this does seem worse as the day progresses.