April 2: The Veneer

SIDE EFFECTS FOR THIS DAY: headaches (pain rating 5); left groin pain (pain rating 5); pain on left side(4); left knee pain (pain rating 4); left leg pain (pain rating 4); fatigue; feeling of electricity in the face; heart palpitations/racing.

I woke up tired this morning and already the low buzz of a headache was there. I've been pushing the envelope for three days and I knew at some point it would catch me (all the while cramming in as much work as possible). I thought I remembered an Emily Dickinson poem that said something like "I heard a fly buzzing in my head" and realized I had the poem wrong. Nevertheless, that's what it feels like. Not only is the headache continuing to ramp as the day wears on, I feel the electrical current in my face.

I grew up in the South (US) and for those of you not from those parts, let me share with you a little about the culture. Being a girl brought up in the South, there are a few ideas that are etched into your brain. One word in particular comes to mind... ineffable. I mean this in the sense that some things should not be said. Ever. And why would that be? In the South, we (especially women) are taught not to rock the boat. Our purpose is to present a veneer so calm and pleasant that nothing would ruffle us. You treat every situation as though you are the hostess at a party. Nothing should be said to disturb your guests and if one of your guests says something disturbing, you dismiss it and turn the conversation to a more pleasant direction. The exceptions are funerals. But then why do you think we stay out of public after someone dies? To re-establish the veneer...

This veneer, arguably, is generational. I'm sure this happens less and less, but in a rural community, this was still certainly something we swore by. This veneer is the same veneer that prevented me from feeling comfortable about asking my mom health questions and prevented her from sharing what was within her own body. Sadly, I lost her before these conversations might have seemed more comfortable for both of us. I know very little about her female health.

And even today, I find there is a veneer that I fight for and struggle to maintain. It's the veneer that I put on because in public I don't want to people to read my face, know how much this hurts, that this struggle has become daily. It's a veneer that I feel much protected behind when things go horribly wrong.

I'm not saying this is the right thing to do. I'm just noticing how this is presently one of my struggles... how to appear normal around others, to mask the pain, to just try to continue my life in a deviated path to normalcy.