April 24: The Door

SIDE EFFECTS FOR THIS DAY: headaches (pain rating 2); left groin pain (pain rating 3); pain on sides (4); lower back pain (4); lower ab muscles weak; aching shins; hot flashes/night sweats; needle-like feeling in legs, face; weakness and tiredness; reduced mobility; white noise in ears; apathy.

Love the new pain in my shins. Wow! That was no fun.

I feel as though I am saying good bye to an old friend or maybe a couple of old friends.

1) My voice.
Once my constant companion, my passion, my raison d'être, I feel as though I am saying a very prolonged and painful good-bye... not too unlike saying farewell to my mom when she suffered with a terminal illness. I watched her slip away, struggle and then leave abruptly when we least expected. I've felt this day coming for two years... slipping away, me trying to recapture it again and now finding it's leaving on its own terms and schedule, not mine. Nor do I have the same spark about performing that I once had or the unbearable need to do so. I feel resignation.

2) Me.
I can think back to what I once was in the not so distant past... runner, cyclist, e-brainchild, musical prodigy. And now I see how things are this second. Me... lying on a couch most days. Me... barely able to walk into the kitchen. Me... forgetting everything. Who IS this person and what did you do with the other girl?

I'm so tired of things not working out, whether it's my health, my personal relationships, the people I trusted, my career.

I'm trying to find the door to open to get beyond this. I know it is there somewhere. I hope for something better on the other side.