SIDE EFFECTS FOR THIS DAY: headaches (pain rating 8); left groin, left side transverse colon meridian (pain rating 7); hot flashes during night only; left leg pain (pain rating 4); knee pain (pain rating 4); Hip pain (pain rating 4); Elbow pain (pain rating 4); spine pain between shoulder blades (pain rating 5); heart racing/palpitations.
Could these headaches get any worse? Just when I think they have to start fading, they slap me with their intensity. I ventured out of the house today... the first time in five days. I met with someone important and committed to a date, all the while wondering if I should. It was all I could do to stay focused and make an attempt at a normal conversation. I wonder how I was perceived? Did I seem spacey? Did I seem like a normal person? Was I blinking too much?
The light actually got to me a little in the bright sunlight-drenched Starbucks. But I had to do it. Had to go out and try to just be a person again, if only for 90 minutes.
My heart beats hard today and the palpitations make it seem as though my heart is like a fish out of water, flopping about on dry land. When I walk my hips ache, my groin feels like it's being stabbed. Some of this I can mask, if it stays at an even level. Some of it, when it suddenly ramps up for no reason, brings me close to tears.
In my virtual world of emails and e-projects, I can start and stop, go back and double check. It's easier to hide behind the facade. My face can wince at will. No one bears witness as I lay my head down on the table out of desperation when the pain gets the best of me.
Is this my new normal? A redefined dimension where chronic pain is the standard benchmark? I want to run again... to bike again... to sing again. I can only hope there is something better at the end of all of this.
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