March 23: The Quest for Normalcy

SIDE EFFECTS FOR THIS DAY: headaches (pain rating 8); left groin, left side transverse colon meridian (pain rating 7); hot flashes during night only; left leg pain (pain rating 4); knee pain (pain rating 4); Hip pain (pain rating 4); Elbow pain (pain rating 4); heart racing/palpitations.

Today is not great. Nothing is making a dent in the headaches/groin pain and there are some new casualties I just don't want to deal with... hips (yes, both) and elbow (both). My hopes of localizing this to the left side are not honored as I try to think of ways to block these new feelings. And I look at the coming week and wonder what it will bring as well.

It's times like these that make me question what the hell I was thinking to begin with. Why am I doing this? What am I trying to avoid? Is this really worth it? And when your head hurts, you struggle just to complete the thought.

I remind myself that this is a diagnostic, first and foremost. I should have my answer in a few weeks.

I'm avoiding a hysterectomy or trying to. Somehow bringing in a hormonal imbalance so early seems risky with all the cancer warnings from add-on estrogen therapies. I also worry about the effects on my voice that a hysterectomy would have. And while I wasn't ready to close the door on fertility options, it was never a top priority or even a goal. At least that part is not hard for me to face. There are plenty of children to love; they needn't be my own.

That being said, there are also instances in which a hysterectomy does not get all of the endometriosis, depending on where it has embedded. Wouldn't that smack of irony if one went through such a major and invasive surgery, only to have it not work? Hard to know what can of worms to open and how far...

All-in-all I think that people who deal with chronic pain seek normality again. That distant past time when colours were rosy, there was money in the bank, the sky was endless and blue. Seems like a dream world. And yet, I keep telling myself, it exists. Most people do not have to navigate their lives like this, constantly aware, constantly rushing to mentally block the adversary within. Most people are just fine. That's what I want again... to be just fine.